Secrets to Unshakeable Confidence (3)

4 The angry e-mail file
If there’s one winning behavior that people building confidence should model, Kanter emphasizes, it’s the willingness to get back into the game after a setback. “Don’t whine or nurse your wounds,” she says. Yes, you’ve heard it before, and, yes, you need to get in there and try again. There are, however, important caveats. Panicking can compound a small misstep by causing you to lose your head and forget to think clearly. “If you suffer a terrible loss, give yourself time to absorb the blow,” Kanter
stresses. “Don’t deny the hurt or try to solve the problem immediately. Gather your support system around you and simply get nurtured. This is what I did when I lost both of my parents within a few years of one another. We were very close, and I missed them terribly. I made a point of reaching out to friends—I called people
and asked if we could go for a walk, or if I could come to dinner. Sitting around and
thinking about your loss is the worst thing you can do to solve your problem.”
Panic following a stressful situation may cause you to seek an instant—and often
wrong—solution. “Write the angry e-mail—but don’t send it in the cold light of day,” says Kanter. “If you are feeling panicked, it is not the moment to spring into action, because you’ll be too emotional. I’ve seen this in sports, where athletes forget to do what they know well and start making stupid mistakes.” Your basic rule of thumb: Panic makes a small fumble worse.

5 Let the Confidence Games begin
When Kanter advises executives, she stresses the importance of recognition and praise: “Bosses who have both big plans and the human touch, who walk through corridors acknowledging and complimenting people, can make a huge difference in the confidence level—and in the success of their companies.” The recognition itself does not need to be a big deal, but it does need to be genuine. When Tom McCraw coached for the Houston Astros, he offered a $100 reward to the player who drove in the winning run. “Guys making milliondollar salaries chased me around after the game for that money,” he said. The cash itself wasn’t the point: It was the recognition of the contribution. Continental Airlines found success with the same practice. One year, they offered a $65 bonus to all employees if Continental managed to score in the
top four airlines in on-time arrivals. The results speak for themselves. The airline’s performance went from seventh place to first—and some $2.5 million in bonus
checks were distributed to Continental employees. “Find the strength in somebody else, and tell them how you feel about them,” says Kanter. “Be specific in sharing with people what they’ve done that pleases you. Even in marriage, husbands and wives often don’t know what their partner really likes about them. My husband is extremely cheerful, especially in the morning. I tell him how much it means to me that he
wakes up happy, when I may not feel that way. It’s a small thing, but after 33 years we have a very close, solid marriage.”
Unfortunately, in the workplace especially, not everyone gets the praise they need to feel confident. Kanter suggests the reason may be that your boss is getting no recognition from his or her boss: “People who don’t have anything to feel good about can become petty simply to prove how important they are. “If you get stuck working for someone like this, it can sap your confidence. You may start thinking you’re a loser. If that happens, find a situation in which you can win. Look for another job, get together with co-workers to try to change things, or put your efforts into something outside of work.”

To be Contd.